Felt compelled to blog again after quite a while. Plowed through some internal battles over the long weekend and yesterday, a song, a slide & a scripture passage spoke to me.
THE SONG
Savior, please... take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please... keep saving me
Savior, please... help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have
Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me
-- Josh Wilson --
The first out of the only two blogposts I managed last year was intended to be continued "a little later". Now it's much later but better than never. Anyway, this song also reminded me of those few months I couldn't stand without help. Or walk or do simple things like step over a curb, get through swingback doors or shower. I actually counted how many steps it took to take a shower without getting my cast wet: 42! More if I forgot a step in the process. Being lame (literally) was extremely difficult & painful for someone who's on the goh a lot. I still went for meetings, served on video mix in the visual control room up on 3rd floor, caught my flights to KK and back, organized ChargeUp! in Penang... but having to use crutches really slowed me down & exhausted me fast. So I was forced to learn quite a number of important lessons, a couple of which translated into values to uphold at ChargeUp!
1) Plan: It saved me A LOT of energy & frustration to think way ahead of time about simple things like what do I need to shove into my pockets or pack into my backpack whenever I venture downstairs or upstairs so that I only had to climb up & down just once a day.
2) Peace: Not being able to accomplish a lot without getting very tired required quite a bit of peace on my part. Needing to need people & allowing them to help me was surprisingly a tough lesson too in peace. Poh, who got stuck with me in KK working on a project for the 1st 2 weeks of my fractured ankle, probably got the worst end of the stick. I must say she was by far the most thoughtful and considerate friend God could've blessed me with... from setting up & setting down the 2 stools I needed in the bathroom, adjusting the position of my 1 slipper so that it was easier to slip into, figuring out where to drop me off with minimum hobble distance, picking me up when I fell flat on my face, putting together a makeshift wheelchair to wheel me around Skyline & out to the harbourfront at sunset and many other things that escape my memory after a whole year... which brings me to...
3) Patience: I imagine Poh & others around me had to have quite a considerable amount of it to deal with what Karen calls my "par-pai-ness". Regrettably, my unique blend of sanguine, melancholy & choleric traits just doesn't make an easy patient. So I appreciated the patience I was shown. I myself had lots of exercise in being patient, despite not being allowed to drive a car, where my patience is usually & continues to be tested. By the time my car curfew was lifted (though I was still on one leg & crutches), my patience had reached an all-time & rare high. That first time I got to drive again after 2 months...
I happily drove out all by myself - thank God for automatic gears & a good right leg - and had an in-car meeting with Cindee in KL. On the way back, however, while I was halfway up the ramp into Jalan Duta, my car just totally died. I couldn't start the car up again. Neither could the hazard lights come on. So while I waited for the tow truck that Andrew helped me to contact through my insurance, all the cars that passed me honked and glared at me. But since I was so used by then to just being at peace & being patient, I didn't feel at all perturbed. I remember instead being really thankful that...
i. ...somehow, there was enough power when the car first stalled to bring down the window halfway. So I had air for the 1 & a half hours I was stuck in my car! =)
ii. ...I had on the cool-fit LiveWire! t-shirt - it did make a difference in the exceptionally blazing hot sun that afternoon.
iii. ...Cindee had bought me a bottle of 100plus earlier even though I had asked for a Coke. It really was a blessing to have an isotonic drink to replenish all the water I was losing through my pores.
iv. ...the bottle of 100plus came in a red plastic bag. After quite a bit of honks, glares, & even shouts to put on my hazard lights, I decided to be considerate and give some warning that my car was stopped on the incline. I grabbed the red plastic bag and started waving it out through my halfway-up window. After a while though, I realized my arm wasn't long enough plus it was beginning to get really tired. So I grabbed a crutch, tied the bag to the end of it, stuck it high out the window and started waving the crutch which was less tiring an effort. Although the honkings & glares didn't disappear completely, it reduced the frequency quite effectively. A motorcyclist & a driver even pulled over in front of me, walked down to my window and asked if I was ok and if I needed help. (They were both Malays, I must add, while the ones who slowed down specially to glare at me were all Chinese! =P)
v. ...Liston & I had scheduled to set up the multicam for PC & Kel's wedding rehearsal that afternoon. I called him to say I was late and when he found out why, he made his way to where I was and arrived just before the tow truck did. This turned out to be a huge help as the procedure to get my car onto and off the back of the truck required someone other than the truck driver to be behind the wheel it & then jump off while he operated the pulley system. No way I could have been able to pull that off with one leg & crutches. So God sent Liston who did what I couldn't in getting my car (& me) home.
There were of course so many more lessons, like in prayer & in perseverance but I think I'll close this post on a lighter note - perks: the major one would be developing three very strong limbs!
Actually, I'm not sure whether the smiley images on this page are somewhat misleading... I mean, I don't quite wish a fractured or broken limb on anyone, but Poh discovered one perk of being handicapped - discounted movie tickets at GSC 1 Borneo, KK. They even cleared & stopped the escalator for me so I can hobble safely on before getting it to move again, then stopping it so I can hop off! =)
It was really weird how most of the movies & tv shows I watched during that span of time seemed to have characters in wheelchairs or using crutches! =S
I still take time these days to appreciate the ability to walk, run, cross over curbs & climb stairs. I'm still amazed that I'm provided with enough strength & help, in more ways than the obvious, to just stand.
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Saviour... who by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies.... Therefore... that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends."
- Philippians 3:20-4:1
Photo credits: Alice Chong, Bernice Voon, Eric Foo, Saw Poh Sim, my Sony K550i hp & whoever took those pictures at ChargeUp!09.
